good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
