ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
