and i looked up. we had an audience...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I AM VODKA MAN
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize