It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
