Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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