Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
