Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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