I'm going to jail i love you
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Randomize