that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
