yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
