I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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