I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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