im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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