I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize