I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
