naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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