Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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