His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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