My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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