I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
