that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize