I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
