People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
