It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
