The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
