U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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