omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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