his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
