3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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