we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
