i would punch a child for taco bell
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize