he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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