Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
