You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize