yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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