I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
