Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
