seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Come on in and take your pants off
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