woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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