today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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