he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
