i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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