I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
