i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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