its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
