You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
