Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
