omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
