Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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