The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
