His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
