Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
