When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
