You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
