I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
