I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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