I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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