haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I could fuck to npr.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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