i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
