I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
