i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
