Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
