Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
