not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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